The Bill Engvall Show - Pineblock Derby

Thank you for all the great suggestions after the first article. I was surprised by the overwhelming request of "Make it longer!" or "Too short! We need more!" I hope this quenches that thirst.

This is a great episode of The Bill Engvall Show.

The Pineblock Derby episode takes place in the 2nd season, episode 4.

You really should see this for yourself.
(Not yet available on DVD - probably going straight to Blu-ray anyway...)

Here are some Amazon reviews of "The Bill Engvall Show" --

"Gotta love that Bill Engvall"
- Nancy "Nancy" Davis

"...it's kind of life watching malcolm in the middle and according to jim..." 
-Srinivas Chavala

"perfect... mindles... entertainment"
"It's great to sit down watch a tv show and not feel the need to cover my childs eyes"
-Pook it Black

Well said, Pook! I hope my summary makes you and your kids proud!

Enough dilly-dallying -- Let's git-r-done!

The episode starts will Bill Pearson having an imaginary shoot out with an electric drill.

What happened to the drill bit?

Bill's wife Susan calls out to him from the garage door, and it is revealed that Bill was taking aim at a pile of generic stuffed animals.

How did they stack them like that?

Apparently, Susan has been watching him for some time. Bill get's a bit embarrassed, but quickly moves on. Susan stocks the garage with several rolls of paper towels and asks Bill about his Leopard Scout project with their son, Bryan.

Susan Pearson - Ready for a paper towel emergency.

Bill is excited to help Bryan build a Pineblock Derby car. (Think Pinewood Derby.) By the way, we probably won't get back to the paper towels.

Bryan enters the garage, with his new Pineblock Derby kit. He also is eager to build the car with his father, but he has a second goal - he wants to build a car fast enough to beat Jeremy Noony. Bryan holds a grudge, as Jeremy won the science fair last year, and still is teasing Bryan about it. (Eggheads are the worst bullies.)

Susan decides to leave, and offers to bring back Lemonade and Cookies later. (I wonder where she'll buy the Lemonade?) Bill interrupts, and reminds her that women aren't allowed in the pit. She agrees, and asks that they "follow the proper safety precautions." Bill replies, *sigh* "Susan, we know what we're doing." and then proceeds to cut a small block of wood with a table saw.

Bryan keeps his distance. I don't know why, looks safe to me.

5 seconds later, the table saw shoots the wood right out the window!

It's a good thing Susan's not allowed to see this...

Bill tells Bryan that he did this on purpose to give them a nice breeze while they are working.

The scene changes to Lauren Pearson in the kitchen. She sees her mother, and seems surprised and disapointed. Susan responds, by reminding her of the 38 hours of labor she had delivering Lauren. Lauren apologizes for her unfriendly behavior, and speaks directly - her new friend is coming over, and she doesn't want Mom to embarrass her.  

Why does everyone dislike Susan?

Lauren's new friend is Erica, one of the most popular kids at school. She remarks again to her mother, "Don't screw this up for me." The doorbell rings, and Erica enters from the backyard.

No paper towels are ever shown in the kitchen

 Lauren twice more encourages her mother to leave immediately. She does. Erica can't wait to talk to Lauren about text messages about school gossip. Lauren sadly states that she isn't in the loop, and isn't in on the latest relationship news. Erica is confused, as she is certain that she forwarded the message to her. Lauren checks again, and is EXTREMELY shocked.

The text is about "What Molly said to Ethan about Ashley in front of Zach" 

Trent, the Pearson's older son enters the kitchen. He is happy about getting tickets to the sold out "Killers" concert for Saturday. He shows them off to Lauren and Erica.

Somebody told me, that you had a girlfriend that liked Killers tickets.

Lauren looks at the tickets, and tells him, "These are cat food coupons, with the words Killers Tickets written in marker." Trent clarifies, that he just won tickets in a radio contest, but he doesn't have the tickets yet, and he wanted to brag now. Lauren asks, "Why didn't you just tell me you won the contest?" and Trent says that she never would have believed him without proof. 

Trent: "Hey wait, this scene has a stranger in it!"

 Then, Trent suddenly notices Erica. "Hey, are you a girl in school?" She flirtatiously replies, "I am." Trent is oblivious to her interest in him, and he leaves immediately. Lauren apologizes for her dumb and interrupting brother. Erica expresses interest in him regardless.

Lauren moves on "So what did Zach say when you heard that about Ashley from Ethan?" (Wait a minute...)

The text (clarified a bit from above) - Molly and Ethan are discussing Ashley. Zach is nearby.

Lauren responds to this, asking how Zach responded to Erica discussing Ashley with Ethan. (Where did Molly go?) I guess this conversation could have taken place, but it doesn't logically follow.

Erica doesn't seem to find the question strange, but she can't wait to answer -- in the form of another text that the audience can't see.

Erica assures her that the text has been sent. Thank Goodness!

We go back to Bill in the garage with Bryan, and get an update on the Pineblock Derby race car.

Eat your heart out, Jeremy Noony!

Bill comments, "Not Bad", and nods approval.

Then he shows a design flaw.

You've got to try harder, if you want to beat Noony!

Bryan expresses dissatisfaction with the car. (I should hope so!) Bill reminds him, that this is a prototype, and that they are learning as they go. He reminds Bryan about the table saw incident as an example of their learning. Bill decides to call it a day. Tomorrow, they'll make a one-piece car. Bryan seems to think that isn't a possible goal. To make him feel better, Bill gives the Leopard Scout greeting. (A growl)

Bryan is undaunted by Bill's Jungle Cat Call

Bryan responds to Bill's silly display disappointingly, and says that nobody in the troop does that. (An A for effort, Bill!) Bryan leaves the garage.

The moment Bryan leaves, Bill's best friend, Paul (Tim Meadows) enters from the backyard.

I don't think he looks like a "Paul"

He has a surprise for Bill. Paul is installing a new synthetic lawn. Bill is confused. Paul asks Bill, "What do I hate more than anything?" Bill suggests Women with an intelligence and high self-esteem. Paul doesn't find this funny, and explains that he is talking about bugs.

"Bugs have six legs - two for walking, and four to creep me out."

Bill summarizes, you're getting rid of your lawn, to get rid of the bugs. He follows up, "So if you have house flies, do you get rid of your house?" Paul replies seriously, that house flies don't bother him. He thinks of them as tiny birds. Birds that he loves. (Bill doesn't find this contradictory, and moves on.)

Bill tells him he might not be able to change his lawn. He has to approve it with the Home Owners Association. Paul talks about how awful they are; until Bill tells him he is on the board. Paul then talks about how great they are. Bill doesn't find his change in attitude strange, and they begin to talk about the Pineblock Derby.

Paul is unimpressed.

Paul tells Bill that he is letting his son down, unless he wanted a crappy car that was cut in half. Bill thinks about it, as the scene changes.

Back in the Kitchen, Erica has left, and Lauren asks for Susan's help with her studying.

Susan is now wearing glasses, so she must be in "Smart Mode"

Susan doesn't think the 80's qualifies as History, and the audience has a really good laugh. Susan then answers the house phone. Erica is calling.

Lauren goes to answer the phone, but Susan explains that Erica is calling to talk to Trent. Both Lauren and Trent are confused that Erica would call. Lauren is upset that her new friend is talking to her brother.

Lauren tries to make her mother fix the situation somehow. Susan can't and tells her to handle it like an adult. Lauren leaves angrily.

I'm not sure why he couldn't figure out wheels the first time...

Bill never left the garage, and he appears to have repositioned the wheels on the car. He looks satisfied with it, and decides to test it out.

How'd you do that, Bill?

The car itself moves easily, but the wheels were not attached, and remain firmly connected to the table. (Better not call Bryan yet.) Bill is bewildered as to how this happened, and the audience has another good laugh at his expense.

Paul comes back, and greets Bill. He has another surprise!

Bill is extremely impressed, and asks Paul where he bought it from. Paul corrects him, and says he made this nice looking Pineblock Derby car. As Bill looks it over, Bryan returns. He misunderstands, that this is the car Bill made. Bryan is THRILLED. Paul verifies, that this is in fact, the car Bill made. (A false statement.)

Bryan disregards the car they were building, as he is distracted by the completed car.

Bill is conflicted. He wants his son's approval and respect, yet he did not make this car. Before Bill says anything, Bryan says, "We'll beat Jeremy Noony for sure with this!" as Bill tries to explain the misunderstanding, Bryan interrupts, and gives him a big hug. "You're the best Dad ever!" Paul nods approval, and Bill is still conflicted. Bryan leaves to paint the car. 

Paul tells Bill he is trying to buy his approval on the Home Owners Association by giving this car. Bill is even more unhappy with the turn of events, but doesn't want to let his son down. Bill ponders.

Susan, I'm in a pickle.

Cut to Bill and Susan's bedroom. Susan compliments the great car Bryan now has. She knows something is up. She is aware of Bill's inability with woodworking. Bill explains the situation. Susan reprimands Bill for lying to Bryan. Bill reminds Susan that she lied to the kids also, like her participation on the cheerleading squad in high school. (She was the bird mascot, and not a popular cheerleader.) Susan approves of the situation, and agrees not to tell Bryan the truth.

Later, in the living room Trent and Lauren are talking about Erica. She is stopping by to visit, but Lauren didn't know. She is coming to see Trent, and Lauren is outraged. Trent and Erica are going to Sonic for Dinner, followed by the Killers concert.

Lauren asks Trent not to hang out with Erica anymore. Trent disregards her request, and goes to check his hair. The doorbell rings, and again, Erica enters through the kitchen. (Even though they were all just standing in the living room...)

Why didn't you just text me? 

Lauren bluntly asks Erica why she would hang out with Trent. Erica explains that she is pretending to be interested, so that she can go to the concert. After the concert, she plans on immediately dumping him. Trent returns, and Erica and Trent leave for their date.

Susan enters the kitchen, and Lauren is looking satisfied. Susan says she looks suspicious, and asks what's going on. Lauren tells her that Erica is only dating Trent for the tickets. Susan doesn't seem to mind. Lauren realizes her own conclusion, that a person like Erica isn't a good friend. Lauren stomps off again. (Women sure are awful on this show. No wonder they aren't allowed in so many places.)

Check out this car I was supposed to build with Dad!

Bryan enters the kitchen as soon as Lauren leaves. He shows Susan his completed Pineblock Derby car. Bryan explains that the driver is Bill. (Another sign of his satisfaction with the car he thinks Bill made.) Susan is now doubting the decision to hide the truth. Bill doesn't mind anymore, as he is excited to race.

This is exciting, but none of the main characters care.

Cut to the actual Pineblock Derby! Bryan tells Bill, that in the practice round, his car won against Jeremy Noony. Bryan then yells to Jeremy, (who is unseen) that he is going to lose! Jeremy doesn't respond, and they go to register their car for the race.

Look what I found! Here, on the bottom! Look close! 

Bill and Bryan have a problem. The car is automatically disqualified. It is more than double the maximum weight allowed. Apparently, both Bill and Bryan missed the chunk of lead applied to the bottom of the car.

(Come to think of it, I guess I did too. Let me review the footage...)

"I'm an expert at building Pineblock Derby cars, and I didn't use lead."

If you can't tell, that's the bottom of the car. (Looks similar to the screen cap posted above - from that same scene.) Paul did not add lead to the car. Neither did Bill, as Bryan took the car to paint it as I mentioned above. Clearly Bryan must have added the lead while decorating the car.

More evidence that Bryan added the lead:

"Hey Mom, do you think the judges will notice this?"

So the Lead was added before Susan saw it. (In case someone would argue that she added it, or that Noony paid someone off at the competition.)

Back to the episode though...

So anyway, Bill and Bryan are told that the car is against the rules. Bryan asks Bill if he really cheated. Bill tells him that he didn't cheat. Bryan asks what happened, as he is oblivious to how the lead was added to the bottom of the car, and therefore must be Bill's fault.

Bill then explains, that he did not build the car, that his friend Paul did. Bryan is very disappointed in his father. The judge tells them there is no repair work possible, as they are disqualified for being cheaters. Bryan leaves.

"Don't get mad at me, I still don't know what's going on!"

The scene changes back to the kitchen. Lauren is reading a magazine, and Trent arrives with Erica. Even though they just got back from Sonic, this was not the date to Sonic, as the concert hasn't happened yet. They plan on going back to Sonic tomorrow.

"Seriously, I eat at Sonic all the time."

Erica and Trent talk, and after literally every line Trent says, Erica turns to Lauren and starts making faces. (I would think Trent would notice...) Lauren's conscience gets the best of her, and she tells Trent that he is being used just for his tickets. Erica is upset that Lauren shared the secret.

"Wait... why were we friends in the first place?"

Erica: "What do you care? You said he was lame."

Lauren: "He is, but he's still my brother, and what you're doing really sucks."

Erica leaves, and Susan starts to enter the kitchen - but then stops, as she sees Lauren and Trent having a heart to heart moment.

"Sorry Trent, I know you liked her, I just couldn't let her do that to you."

"So what, you care about me now?"

"Shut up, No. Just if anybody's going to be a jerk to you, it's going to be me. Anyway, you should go to the concert with somebody who likes you for you."

"I guess you're ok, for a little brother."

The scene changes to the concert. Trent took Lauren to see the Killers. (Also, this isn't the actual band The Killers, but some generic group.)

The crowd absolutely loves it! Everyone is bobbing their heads along with the music, except for one bored looking guy. 

Maybe even falling asleep?

Throughout the scene, everyone else is dancing, smiling, and bobbing along to the music.

The scene changes again to Bryan in the garage with his disqualified race car.

(It isn't really important, but Bryan left the car at the Derby when he left...)

This time, there is a bit in the end of the drill, and he plans on taking his frustration out on the model of his father. (I hope somebody stops him before he does anything that rash...)

I guess she forgot the rule...

 Susan/Mom rushes in, and tells Bryan that even though his Dad lied to him, this isn't going to help. He needs to talk to Bill about it. (I guess she forgot to mention that she agreed with him about lying, and she did see the completed car before they left...) Also, she didn't notice the broken window. (Remember?)

Bill enters the garage, and pulls a stool over. He wants to talk.

"When a man and a women love each other very much..."

Bill apologizes for lying. His reason for lying? He wants to be more helpful to his son, but his son has interests that he can't help with, such as Science Fairs and Chess club. Bill goes on to explain, that when Bryan saw the car, he thought of his dad as a hero, and he says he doesn't get to be a hero very often.
Bryan says this is crazy, as Dad is always his hero, and he is always proud of his father.

I lied to you. Your mom lied to you. You were called a cheater in front of all of your friends. Jeremy Noony beat you again, and it sounds like he'll remind you about this for a long, long time. Also, you never got those cookies mom talked about. She might make you pay for that window from your allowance, since it was half your fault. Your brother and sister went out for hamburgers without you too. And seriously, where did that lead come from???

They hug.

Bill suggests they do something else together. Bryan suggests the "Math-Olympics". (For such a smart kid, it doesn't seem like he was paying attention to this conversation...) Bill suggests Fishing. Bryan doesn't like that idea, but says they could try it. (I thought they fixed their relationship problem? Oh no...)

Paul returns again. (Uh Oh!)

Why doesn't anybody use the front door!?!?

He asks how the race went. Bryan tells him they were disqualified, and he knows Paul really built the car. Paul responds, "Well, what's done is done." then goes on to explain why he stopped by. He wants to show off his new fake lawn!

***
NOTE - The board meeting hasn't happened yet. If you look at the photo of Lauren asking Erica why she would hang out with Trent, you can see the family schedule, which says Saturday is Bryan's Pineblock Derby Day (not quite clear) but we DO know that the concert is on Saturday, so I think it is a safe assumption. Underneath SAT - Bryan's (whatever) Day, it says Monday - Board Meeting 7pm. So unless Bill and Bryan avoided each other until Tuesday, the board meeting hasn't happened yet. Actually, if the meeting did happen, they must have avoided each other for much longer than 3 days, as Paul found a supplier for the lawn, found the people to install it, and had all the work done already.
***

Back to the episode -
Paul turns to lead Bill and Bryan out, and reveals that his shirt has green stains all over it. (Paint? Actual grass? I have no idea what we are supposed to think.)

I really have no idea what that's supposed to be... besides HILARIOUS!

Bryan and Bill discuss telling Paul about his shirt, but they decide not to. They walk out together.

Dad, you don't seem to care about anything but your own interests. Fine, if it'll make you stop crying, we can go fishing, but I don't like that, and I think it's a dumb thing to do.

THE END

*************************************************

After Bill and Bryan left the garage, I assume this is what happened -

Susan came back to finish putting away all the paper towels.



Throughout the episode, the number of paper towels in the garage are inconsistant.



Thank you for enjoying another great show with me!